Never want to say goodbye

The weight of leaving this place is starting to set in. Maybe its the cloudy, cold weather or maybe its the annoying French teenagers who took over my dormitory and stole my glasses and threw my shower sandals out the window and clogged the toilet with tampons and broken glass (though you would think such an experience would cloud my positive vision of Bulgaria). I've been talking a lot to two friends of mine named Peter (Peter Roetke and Peter Rusev- this really is the summer of the Peters...) about culture clashes and MN peter and I both agree that Bulgarian culture has changed both of us immensely. Peter Rusev is a Bulgarian actor/director living in Denmark trying to make his films, so he's experiencing the same culture clash that us MNs have (only from the other side)- between the stoic, emotionless, passive aggressive, always positive, black and white culture of Scandinavia versus the open, warm, overflowing-with-emotions culture of Bulgaria. Both MN Peter and I are much more open than we were when we came here- we can see it in ourselves and we can see it in each other. Katerina and Annie make fun of me all the time- when I first came here, on my very first night I sat with the two of them at the hostel bar. They were trying so hard to get me out of my shell and I was hopelessly shy and scared- scared of Bulgaria, scared of adventure, scared of new things, scared of the language barrier. And now that they've known me for two months, they can see that I've changed. I speak freely, I bubble over with warmth and affection- I am so much more outgoing than I was when I got here. But its not only warmth that defines Bulgarian social skills- they aren't afraid to point out what's wrong with the world. I've had so many conversations about the government and communism and repression and the education system here and corruption and... and no one is afraid to point out what's wrong with the world. In Denmark, Peter tries to do the same thing and they always say "Be positive, Peter." Like being constructively critical is somehow a sin- like every human has a switch in their brain- positive, negative, positive, negative. There is no gray, there is no middle ground. I mean, don't get me wrong, there are a lot of things wrong in Bulgaria, a lot of things that are totally backwards. But the people are not one of those things. The people here have hearts of gold. Always kind, helpful, generous. Maybe they have nothing, but they will give you everything. Not like individualistic American culture where everyone has a lot and no one gives anything. All anyone cares about is their career, you can't just sit in a garden with friends talking about life, happiness, love, politics, whatever. There is no time for gardens in the United States. There is no time for anything- everyone always has to be doing something.

I can't stand the thought of going back...